- A collection of poems - by
John T.
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-
- These are poems I have
written since Petee' started talking about
- leaving and through her
departure.
-
- The heaviness is constant
- the sadness
- the dull ache
-
- the heaviness is constant
- there is no joy
- there are no real smiles
-
- the heaviness is constant
- emptiness, numbness
- the light has become dark
-
- the heaviness is constant
- the loss of a limb
- more painful?
- oooh the hurt
- the feelings of unworthiness
- was it ever real, was the
love a mirage
- or fantasy
- who said the rug was pulled
- the ground itself, the
surface
- just disappeared
- and I can't stop falling
-
- the heaviness is constant
-
- I wrote this and thanx to my
support and meetings, I have stopped falling. The pain
remains but there is some hope and gratitude. And I have
remembered that I am still a complete unique and precious
creation.
- That was the first one I
wrote after her telling me she was going to leave.
- The rest are after she left,
which was two months later.
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-
- Every night I dread walking
up those steps, upstairs.
- Upstairs is reality.
- Upstairs I cannot pretend.
- Upstairs the loss cannot be
ignored.
- Upstairs I am alone.
-
- Upstairs I will round the
corner with anticipation.
- I peer into the bedroom,
wondering if this is a nightmare of which I may awaken.
- I peer into the room with
trepidation, anxiety, and fear.
-
- I look, I pause, I stop.
- My knees weaken for a moment
and then I steady myself..
- I am upstairs.
- I am upstairs and I am alone.
- My wife is gone. She is not
asleep in the bed. She is not on the way home.
- She is gone.
- and I am upstairs
- alone.
- Every night I dread walking
up those steps
- Tonight
- Upstairs
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-
- Saturday Night
-
- The TV is running
- but I'm not paying attention
- The TV is flashin
- but I do not see or hear a
thing,
- The TV is playin
- but I sit in a daze, loss in
the emptiness of a
- Saturday night.
- I used to hear others talk
about those
- Saturday nights
- I used to hear others share
their loneliness, hurt, and sadness, on those
- Saturday nights
- I used to hear others say
that Saturday nights were tough, hard, and overwhelming
- I used to shrug my shoulders,
- empathize, with their
feelings, and wonder
- I used to think "what
would that feel like, I like to be alone on Saturday
nights"
- and then my wife left me
- and now it's
- Saturday night.
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-
- Saturday Night, part deux,
-
- I was walkin the streets,
lonely, but not alone
- by myself, but not alone..
- the air was cool, it had
rained
- the rain had stopped,
- the pain had stopped,
- just for the moment, just in
that breath of air, hmmmm, a nice deep breath
- the rain had stopped,
- the pain had stopped,
- the ground was still wet, my
heart still ached...
- but in that moment, I was
grateful
- in that moment, their was a
light, dim, but bright enough..
- the rain had stopped, the
pain had stopped,
- everywhere I looked
- couples, holding hands,
kissing, walking arm and arm
- couples, laughing, giggling,
enjoying each other,
- but in that moment, I was
grateful
- in that moment, I thought of
my wife and smiled
- for what once was
- for the times on Saturday
nights when we held, kissed, giggled, loved
- in that moment, I was glad
that I had loved and been loved
- in that moment I was
grateful, and not resentful,
- the rain had stopped, the
pain was a little further away,
- maybe I will heal, I have
healed some, it hurts but I have healed
- the rain had stopped, my pain
had stopped,
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-
- Pain in da Library.........
-
- the end is near
- I know it, she knows it
- How does one end their
misery??
- slow and painful, hoping for
a reprieve?
- slow and painful, wishing for
the antidote?
- slow and painful, hangin on,
not letting go
- not letting go
- the end is clear
- is near
- such fear, such hurt, sadness
not letting go
- just end it, begin anew
- such fear
- begin anew
- let go of the fantasy, what
once was, is no more
- no more
- continue the healing
- continue the healing
- thru the fear, hurt, sadness,
- let go of what has gone &
begin anew....
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-
- Acceptance
- therein lies the lesson
- lesson, what am I to learn
- that I hurt
- that I bleed
- I cry
- what am I to learn
- that I love
- will I love
- will I trust
- will I be loved
- what am I to learn
- nothing is promised
- take nothing for granted
- change is inevitable
- take nothing for granted
- what am I to learn
- I've grown
- I've not grown
- change
- see the gifts in the pain
- learn to love again?
- not today! no thanx!
-
- Lafiya & Healthy Choices,
- John T.