by Carole D
I was thinking about why I
sabotage my progress at times. Why
would I want to stay in my shit?
Somewhere, I heard someone
give an answer to that question. Why do I stay in my shit?
Because it may stink, but itís warm and itís familiar.
Iíve been thinking beyond
that answer to a deeper truth. Iíve just begun to admit that if I take a step out of my
shit, then I will be farther down the road into unknown territory.
That next step wonít be as familiar.
What will that next place look like?
What will be expected of me? What
will I need to do? What
wonít I be able to do anymore?
If somehow I manage to
survive the new territory, and it becomes
familiar, and I get
comfortable in my new surroundings, others will look
at me and say ďLook at the
progress youíve made!Ē People
will know that
I can make progress!
How can this be a bad thing?
For me, it is terrifying.
If I make progress, I am afraid that Iíll be
expected to make more progress
and then more progress. If I make
progress, I wonít be able to
stay a victim. I wonít be able to
canít do itĒ as an excuse
for staying in my shit. My friends
wonít feel sorry for me
anymore. My friends and family
wonít cover for
My friends and family wonít take care of me anymore.
friends and family wonít do
things for me anymore, because they will
know that I can do things for
myself. My friends and family will
that Iím not helpless.
My friends and family wonít pretend that my shit
doesnít stink anymore.
I sabotage my progress
because I want to stay helpless, hopeless,
pathetic, and have my friends
and family take care of me. I sabotage my
progress because I am afraid
of my own success. I sabotage my
progress because I know that more than anyone, I will expect more of myself.
I sabotage my progress because if I succeed, Iíll have to show up.
Iím at a place of choice.
Iíve had enough recovery in my life to know
that I donít like the smell
of shit anymore. Iíve enjoyed the
perfumed with the joy and
serenity of recovery to know that FEAR wonít keep me in my stinking thinking.
I know I have to talk about my FEAR.
I know I have to replace the FEAR with FAITH.
I know my road to FAITH is
TRUST. I know my connection to
TRUST is my HIGHER POWER.
Itís time to take the next