Retirement Party for the “Helpful” Committee in My Head (Steps 6 and 7)

I read a story not too long ago about a woman who always took what she called her “Messieurs Monsters” with her on the road.  Her “monsters” were:  Critic, Booze, Guilt, and Lust, just to name a few of them.  I knew exactly what this woman was talking about.

I don’t call mine monsters although at times they have been and I’m sure would be again if I allowed them to be.  I call most of them protectors.  They were very good at protecting me – too good.  When I was younger they were there and sometimes I think if I hadn’t had them shielding me, I might not have made it. 

Mine have different names.  I too have Critic, Guilt and Lust but I would have to add Fear, Anger and the always willing Mr. Addiction.  In my case it was addiction to sleeping, eating, hiding, game playing, internet, even sometimes to my recovery program.  There are tons more of them which I have used to escape.

My therapist tells me that I should acknowledge the group, thank them for their service and maybe give them a gold watch or something.  Throw a really big retirement banquet and make sure I show them my appreciation for all those years of service.  Sounds odd to thank them but I have found many paradoxes in recovery and I’ve learned by now to shut up, do the work and go to meetings.

Mr. Addiction clearly needs to just go.  He’s kept my mind occupied when there were thoughts I didn’t want to face.  That was good.  The scales in my bathroom don’t agree; they want Mr. Addiction to have a lesser role if anything and I agree with them.

Mrs. Critic is certainly a leftover from childhood.  When I wasn’t able to be around my mom, Mrs. Critic took that role on.  I didn’t have to worry about not being in the line of fire for criticism; Mrs. Critic had learned her role well and was diligent in trying to shoot down anything I wanted to do.  I don’t know that Mrs. Critic is a protector – she just might be a leftover from those days.

Mr. Fear and Ms. Anger are definitely protectors.  There are some things I should have been afraid of and Mr. Fear was always good at warning me.  Another case though of too much because soon Mr. Fear was merging with my mother’s fear of life on this planet and was not only protecting me from things that would hurt me; he was working overtime to make me afraid of risking or trying just about anything.

Ms. Anger just pops up out of nowhere sometimes.  It’s easier to get angry with someone or something than to look at the problem or situation and try to find my own part in it.  Ms. Anger pops up a lot but there were also times when she just tunneled underground.  Sometimes the person, problem or situation was too frightening so she would just dig into the ground like Bugs Bunny and stay there.  That was the big problem – she would stay there.  She would grow so large that the hiding hole couldn’t contain her and she would pop out and just blast all over whoever was in her path, mostly innocent people who didn’t deserve it.

Lady Guilt was another protector.  She made sure that I felt guilty early and often.  She gave me guilt over things I had done, guilt over things I hadn’t done, guilt over things I should have done and guilt over not doing anything.  She was good too.  She always wore this long dark robe and she could just cover me in a minute; the party would be over.

So as I said, all these years this cast of characters lived with me and performed their duties.  They loved me – at least the protectors of the lot did.  They knew I couldn’t take care of myself and they were right, I couldn’t.  They were training wheels for the soul.  When I crossed the street I had all their hands holding me to make sure I made it across.

They meant well.  I know now that they did – at least the protectors did.  They’ve worked really hard all these years and I think a retirement party is in order.  I will buy all those gold watches and give them a big hug and a formal thank you.  Thank you for protecting me, I surely couldn’t have made it without you. But you see, I’m stronger now.  I’ve become an adult and I have my program and my Higher Power to take care of me.

Maybe it’s time I take care of all of you.  Mr. Fear, thank you for warning me of things.  Thank you for keeping me out of trouble.  I’ll forgive you for not knowing when to stop and making me afraid of situations I could handle.  The Big Book Promises say that now we intuitively handle situations that used to baffle us.  I can do that now.  You made it possible so thank you.  I still need you around – there are things in this world to fear but not all the world, not all the world all the time.

Lady Guilt, thank you for your protections.  There were things in my life that I was guilty of.  You showed me that and made me understand finally that I needed to make amends and ask forgiveness for my guilt.  You did a good job there and that would have been fine if you hadn’t gone on over into shame.  You see guilt is one thing but shame is entirely something else.  There were also the times you did your job so well that you made me feel guilty for things I didn’t do – unearned guilt.  You were good.  So I thank you for that and I understand that you wanted to do a really good job. 

In fact all of you have done so well you deserve a RED HEART – not a Purple Heart but a RED HEART. You loved me and protected me in your own way.  Lady Guilt, Mr. Fear, Ms. Anger,  – please stay with me in a consulting role.  I still need your wisdom but not 24/7.  Travel, learn to play golf, read some good books, take a rest; just show up when there is a reason – but please stop punching the time clock everyday - there is no need.

Mrs. Critic I don’t need you anymore.  You are from another time and I have tools in my program that will keep me from listening to you.  You served no purpose then, you serve no purpose now.  I understand where you come from and you do not belong to me.  Please go back to the household where you were born. 

Mr. Addiction, you gave me hiding places.  I hid in those things so in a way they were necessary.  Some of the addictions you sent me actually saved my life.  They were so painful that I finally reached out by grace to find help.  Thank you for sending those things my way, thank you for the pain and most of all thank you that the pain sent me to get help.  I don’t believe I will need you anymore, soon all those escapes I needed before won’t be necessary.  I don’t believe you meant any ill will for me; you just helped me find a place to hide.  Thank you for that.

And so it is that I retire some, send others away that were never needed and understand the one that seemed to be an enemy was in reality a saving grace.  Thank God for the past, thank God for all the helpers I had.  I understand now, I forgive, I bless.


Camilla F.
July, 2008