Distracting Myself From Grief

I've been distracting myself. I don't want to feel the pain of loss and the sadness around my heart that touches my very soul. I wish they were here again, just one more time. I want see them, smell them, touch them and be with them.

I miss my husband the most. When the diagnosis came I wept, the pain and fear came so suddenly. I had to step away and grieve; he didn't want to see my tears, somehow that would make it real for him. He wanted me to be the strong one for both of us. That made it so much harder for me. So, I threw myself into what needed to be done for him, and the day-to-day things that he always did. When my husband died, I wanted to die with him. I didn’t want to be without him. When my granddaughter died, I said “God take me,” I’ve had a good life and hers is just beginning. When my father died, there was closure. When my grandmother died, I lost a grandmother’s love. When I lost a grandchild, I felt the loss of being a grandmother for the first time. When Steven’s parents died, I knew it was for the best. They were so ill. When my grandfather died, it was my first experience of loss and I didn’t cope with my feelings because I was in my codependency

With every loss there has been a season of mourning, letting go and love. I’ve wandered through the valley of death with heavy footsteps from the weight of grief. I wandered aimlessly at times with no light at the end of the tunnel. They say there are five stages of grief. It’s true and they haven’t come in order or one at a time. They have come over and over at different times of my life. They blindsided me when I least expect them, and put me back in the big black whole of sadness, hurt, loss, anger and despair. I know for me, grief isn’t for sissies. No sir! I’m here to tell you it isn’t for the faint hearted, the weak, or the spoiled. It doesn’t discriminate from race, color, gender or creed. Grief for me is like an illness. It hits me when I least expect it. It doesn’t care if I’m sitting home alone or in a crowded room. It doesn’t play fair! When I think I have a handle on it, bam, it knocks me down again.

Grief has changed my life. In some ways it’s made me stronger and more capable. Like being able to do the things my husband use to do for me. It’s helped me see the really important things in life. My relationships with my daughters, recovery and living each day for what it’s worth, no matter what. It’s given me a new perspective on life and how each relationship is so precious. I can never get back the days with my loved ones. Maybe that’s what grief is trying to tell me. Live for today, cherish those I love each day not knowing when it will be my last day with them. Or my last day to say, “I love you, value you, care about you.” Or just being in the moment and cherishing my connection with my Higher Power and my loved ones. All things are possible for me if I just believe!

Today has been a day of tears, of looking back and missing them. Journal writing, reaching out sharing my struggles and feeling I need others to be here for me. I don’t know what life has for me. I am grateful for my Higher Power, for the courage to once again pick up the tools of recovery and receive all of the gifts this day has for me.

Blessings to you all during this holiday season that tends to trigger the old memories of days gone by and the lost loved ones we hold so dear.

Debi M (June 2012)